It’s early, as I write this. 4:38am.
Halfway through a daunting 40-day personal commitment to productivity and redesign of my lifestyle, late last night, I had a small breakdown. It was mostly mental. An overwhelming, self-perpetuating stress had a choke-hold on me.
If any aspects of it were physical it was my lack of movement that got to me for once—odd, considering I’ve always erred on the side of ‘complete bodily destruction’ in my workouts, seeking that dangerously deteriorative exercise high to lift me, physically and mentally, through the day.
Now, with a renewed dedication to several personal and career objectives, this “40-Days of Areté” as I’ve coined it (more on that later this month), has me focused on my mental output.
Last night, I stayed up until 12:45am shredding my sanity, page by page.
…this is a waste of time.
…no matter how good it is—
…loads of time and energy go into BEING GOOD.
…it’s too late. This ship has sailed.
…find a new passion.
…find a new muse.
I was tired. But beyond that, from the research I was doing on Google Analytics, SEO, Web-Design, and the rest of any newly committed blogger’s bang-my-head-against-the-brick to-do list, I’d lost site of the positive by-products associated with being committed to a worthwhile cause.
I’ve had darker phases of my life, where I’m not committed to anything that I personally considered to be worthwhile. A runaway, if you will. I may have wanted to be committed to one thing or another, but that’s not the same.
This morning, I thought about running away, quitting some of this writing nonsense; it made me sick.
Realizing how jealous that me would have been of the current me, I immediately tilted my head upright, pulled my shoulders back, and started to walk. I forced myself to hold upright, like I was worth a damn.
The comparison trap can rip us apart.
The well-established sites and blogs, automated by bots and paid content programs had me discouraged beyond belief! (What the hell was I thinking?)
I love writing. How can I dissect this angst? Make sense of it?
How can I FIND MY WHY?
Then, John Henry!
Alas! I am the rugged steel-driver racing the steam-engine drill. That’s a damn awesome story to be the hero of! I’d like to be more like the great John Henry, I thought. I need to get back my sheer, fearless commitment to my craft.
Legacy – It’s more important to me to be known for ethics and effort than for victory.
Folklore – Living out the ethos of our heroes is an incredibly impactful way to live.
“Tilt Walk” – how I plan to carry myself on my reflective walks from this point forward: head tilted up, eyes forward or up – not down, shoulders back, grin or smile, deep rejuvenating breaths, and THINK!
Not far into my walk this morning, the perspective really hit me. Commitment. John Henry. These blogs and websites, they’re the uniforms we wear, the arenas we play in, but they are not the sport. We compete in the boundaries of the sport, but our play has limitless expression!
My game, my flow, my muse? That’s my writing and speaking, or whatever I choose to commit to. To be committed, inextricably implies that I have a right to the comfort and composure that come with the chaos.
I’m earning it.
Because of commitment, I have comfort and composure today.
Because of John Henry, I have another storyline to trace, and a hero to emulate.
Because of my newly established habit of Tilt Walks, I can’t wait to get back to the keyboard.